Second Thoughts
by Nimue47
Summary: KJ has second thoughts about her relationship with C, but then a solution of sorts presents itself [J/C]


Title: Second Thoughts  
  
Author: KateF – kathrynf@gmx.net  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount owns 'em…  
  
Summary: KJ has second thoughts about her relationship with C, but then a solution of sorts presents itself [J/C]  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to Caffey, Anne Rose and Sylvia for their input and beta!! The beginning of this scene actually was a part of "One Big Headache" which I finished almost a year ago. I cut it out of the fic, but recently found it in a file called "Headache spare scenes"… I don't think I thanked Syla enough yet. She provided title, summary… Thank you!  
  
May 3rd-4th, 2002  
  
  
  
Kathryn leaned against her desk. She hadn't slept in days nor had she managed to keep anything down. She was tired. She was weak. She just wanted to lie down and die sometimes. On other occasions she wanted to phaser her senior officers. The chime announced that someone was waiting at the door. Chakotay. Who else. No one dared to intrude into her ready room when she was in that kind of mood, most of the time even he made a big circle around it. Was he back from the away mission yet? Didn't anyone bother to inform her of anything anymore? He had probably assured them that he'd tell her personally. "Come, Chakotay," she growled.  
  
He stepped into her ready room with a smile on his face. Seeing her pale face, the circles under her eyes and loose-fitting uniform, it faded quickly and was replaced by utter concern. "You're going to come to sickbay with me. Now," he ordered, daring her to argue with him.  
  
"No, no way," Kathryn answered, snapping at him. She was pretty sure that was not the welcome back he had anticipated. She made the mental note to send him on a longer away mission the next time.  
  
"Whatever the report you're reading is, it can't be that important. Kathryn, you look like hell. You look as if you haven't slept or eaten the past week."  
  
"Look, Chakotay, I am really busy right now. I don't have the time for this. So would you please just leave me alone? I am sure there is someone else you can bother," she snapped.  
  
"Okay. You know what? I give up. Isn't that what you would like to hear? You're too stubborn for your own good. You don't want me caring for you? You don't want me to be your friend? Then so be it." With that her First Officer stormed out of her ready room.  
  
"Fine," Kathryn bellowed after him. Once the doors had closed, she collapsed to the floor, sobbing. This was just too much for her to handle. Why did she manage to screw everything? She hadn't really wanted this to happen. Trying to take deep even breaths to calm herself Kathryn tried to gather her thoughts.  
  
As soon as her legs were working again, she got up from the floor. Standing on shaky legs she braced herself against the wall, as a wave of dizziness washed over her. She made her way to the replicator, a steadying hand always grabbing on the nearest source of support.  
  
"Coffee, black," she ordered. Taking the mug into one hand she made her way to the couch, sinking down onto it. She closed her eyes for a moment, willing the dizziness away. She needed to think. She had to find a way to solve this mess. The mess her relationship with Chakotay had become.  
  
There was no way she could blame him for his reactions. He had returned from a week on some planet to gather supplies and such, and had anticipated a happier welcome back than this. After all, he hadn't really wanted to leave her in the first place. He most certainly hadn't expected to find her pale and noticeably thinner. There was no way Kathryn could deny that something was wrong with her. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't eat. She even couldn't keep coffee down. She was cruelly reminded of that fact when her stomach began to revolt. She had barely made it to the bathroom when she threw up.  
  
Running cold water over her face she caught a glimpse of it in the mirror. It was as if some stranger was staring back at her. Chakotay had been kind when he said she looked like hell. It certainly hadn't been an exaggeration. Watching her reflection in the mirror, she was ready to scream at it.  
  
No wonder that Chakotay had wanted her to go to sickbay with him. Bracing one hand on either side of the sink, she let the water run across her face and hair. Slowly she noticed the dizziness fading away. Finally able to form a coherent thought again, she let her mind wander.  
  
When had her life turned so sour? Not two months ago everything had been perfect. She had finally given in to Chakotay's advances. She had finally given in to Chakotay. Period. Everything had seemed perfect. They had shared countless candlelight dinners, kisses, and so much more. She had finally felt more at home and at peace than ever before. And what she had feared most had happened.  
  
The ship, getting the crew home, had seemed somehow less important to her, as Chakotay made sure that she had a fair amount of free time and sleep every day. Regular visits on the holodeck, midnight strolls through the ship, all the time she had spent with him had somehow weakened her. She had found herself thinking less and less about the task at hand. She had done her duty the way she had before, but some of the drive was missing.  
  
The guilt that had washed over her had knocked her off balance. She had solved that in the way she thought perfect. Sending him on the next available away mission, which most certainly could have been comanded by Naomi Wildman, had proved to be a good temporary solution. No mammals or the equivalent, no hazardous insects, just a food gathering mission without any risks. This way she had had the time to think about everything that had happened between them. She had tried her best to keep away from everyone. Burying herself in work, in her task, she had done everything to make herself forget.  
  
And, for a few moments, this had actually worked. But of course, there was only so much the crew, especially Tuvok, would take. She was sure he had been checking her moves constantly. He knew she hadn't eaten nor slept in too long. She wondered if he had warned Chakotay before letting him enter the lion's den. But the way Chakotay's face had been lit by the most radiant dimpled smile when he entered; Tuvok hadn't had a chance to. But as soon as he had spotted her, Chakotay had tried to care for her well-being. Of course, she had snapped and shut him out. And then he had known exactly what to make her do what he wanted.  
  
She hated him for it.  
  
Sighing again, she relived the conversation that had taken place only an hour ago. Kathryn marveled at how well he knew her. He hadn't once mentioned his role as her lover, *friend* he had called himself. And he cared for her, no matter what.  
  
Kathryn sighed. What had she done to deserve his love? The answer was simple. She just didn't deserve it. She was hard-headed, stubborn and cold. Yes, she had grown cold the past years and yet, he had been able to melt her bit by bit.  
  
Her stubbornness was why he loved her so much. He had claimed that more than once. Kathryn smiled to herself. Just a hint of a smile, but it was definitely a progress.  
  
And he had done it again. He had weakened her resolve, broken into her walls and hit her, hard. The way only he could move her. How could he manipulate her so very easily? She asked herself, as she picked up her hairbrush. Gathering her wet hair into a ponytail, she had another look at herself in the mirror. Deciding that she needed to do something about the dark circles under her eyes, she applied some make-up.  
  
After a few minutes, she decided that she looked presentable enough for her visit to sickbay. Straightening her uniform jacket she walked out the side entrance that lead to the corridor. There was no way she would let Chakotay know he had won, until it really became unavoidable. She knew that it was just her stubbornness speaking, but didn't have the energy to argue with herself.  
  
~*~  
  
She found herself in front of the doors leading to sickbay without knowing how she actually got there. Shaking her head in frustration, she stepped inside, facing the doctor and Chakotay. That sneaky bastard. He had known that she would give in sooner or later. This man just knew her entirely too well.  
  
"Nice of you to join us, Captain. Would you please lie down on the biobed? I am just going to perform some quick tests," he paused when he noticed the looks the two officers exchanged. "In a minute. I will have to fetch some equipment first, excuse me."  
  
With that the doctor retreated into a far corner of sickbay, giving them the privacy to talk for a moment.  
  
"You're sneaky," Kathryn glared at her First Officer.  
  
"Thanks," he grinned, discharging his dimples, which only caused her to growl at him. Wincing, he stepped back a little. "I am glad you are here, Kathryn. I am worried, you know?"  
  
She softened a bit. "Now get the doctor and let's get over with this. I need to work."  
  
Chakotay sighed, but obeyed, and soon thereafter the doc was happily humming a tune. Kathryn did not really have a choice but to lie back and endure, listening to the occasional sigh the doctor let loose.  
  
Finally the EMH looked up and closed the medical tricorder. His features showing nothing but scowling, he began his lecture: "Well, Captain. Where should I start? You are dehydrated, starving yourself to death, living on coffee, which doesn't help your state of dehydration, and when exactly was the last time you had sleep?"  
  
Kathryn shrugged, not exactly knowing the answer to that. She sighed as one hypospray after the other was emptied into her bloodstream, slowly giving her body back what it was lacking.  
  
"Doctor, what about the dizziness and the mood swings," Chakotay pressed, still worried.  
  
Kathryn raised her brow. "How did you know, Chakotay?" Then her gaze narrowed. "Tuvok."  
  
Chakotay nodded in confirmation.  
  
"I was just going to come to that, Commander. But I'd rather talk to the Captain alone about that first."  
  
Chakotay looked at Kathryn for her decision. "No, he stays," she informed the EMH. "He's going to bug me about it anyway. Saves me time."  
  
The doctor's expression was unreadable as he grabbed another medical tricorder. Running the sensor over her body, he made sure his diagnosis hadn't been because of a false reading of the first one. Content that it was an accurate one, he raised his head, carefully watching both the Captain and Commander.  
  
"I am going to do this the shortest way possible. You're pregnant, Captain," he smiled.  
  
Kathryn's face, which had regained some color after the doctor's treatment, paled again. She blinked. Then gulped. "Whoa," was the only thing she managed to say. "Really?"  
  
"Yes," he affirmed.  
  
Kathryn looked at Chakotay's face, which was ashen as well. "And here I was desperately trying to escape being too happy."  
  
Chakotay gaped at her in disbelief. "Pregnant?"  
  
"Pregnant," the doctor repeated.  
  
"This is… amazing," Chakotay smiled, then sobered. "If you think so too, Kathryn."  
  
"Doctor, if you would excuse us for a moment?"  
  
"That won't be necessary, Captain. You are dismissed to your quarters. You are to stay off work for the next 2 days. And you're going to take it easy from now on, okay?"  
  
Reluctantly, she nodded, allowing Chakotay to help her off the biobed and guide her out of sickbay.  
  
~*~  
  
They made their way to her quarters in companionable silence, trying to grasp what exactly had occurred. As the doors closed behind them, Kathryn turned to Chakotay. Studying him intently, she began to gather her thoughts. The hope she saw in his eyes, the love and the support helped her to make her decision. It made any other option impossible.  
  
"You want this child, Chakotay," she stated.  
  
He nodded. "But this is your decision, Kathryn. Whatever it is, I will stand by your side. No matter what, I love you."  
  
"Yes. And I will hold you to that promise." A slight smile spread across her face. "You're going to be the one on diaper duty, mister."  
  
"Gladly. But tell me one thing, Kathryn. What did you mean by saying that you were desperately trying to escape being too happy?"  
  
She sobered. "Chakotay, our relationship distracted me. It distracted me from doing my job. I was desperately trying to end it."  
  
She watched his face fell. "Kathryn, are you trying to tell me that you want the child, but not me?"  
  
"No. No, Chakotay," she gently ran her hand down his chest to soothe him. "You will have to be patient with me. You know, I just have to learn to live again."  
  
"You were feeling guilty, weren't you? You used to spend 24 hours a day worrying about our goal and then you stopped worrying that much. Is that what you're trying to tell me?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
He gently cupped her face with both his hands, running his thumbs across her lips. "Kathryn, Voyager won't go home any faster just because you're spending that much time worrying about that task. See where it got you? You got yourself exhausted and sick. Are you trying to tell me that is the way to get Voyager home the fastest? By killing yourself? You can't tell me that killing its Captain can do any good."  
  
She leaned into his touch. As she looked into his eyes she saw nothing but honest love and care. Sighing, she admitted to herself that he did have some strong points.  
  
"Say something, Kathryn," Chakotay urged.  
  
"What can I say but that you're in deep trouble, mister? I will personally see that our daughter terrorizes you in the worst way possible. You will suffer, mister. Serves you right for knowing me way too well."  
  
A smile slowly erased the worry from Chakotay's face until it lit it up completely. "And I will love every second of it. And I will teach our son to do you the same favor. Does that mean, we're okay?"  
  
"More than okay. We're going to be parents, daddy." Her smile rivaled his own. A squeal escaped her throat as she found herself up in the air, spinning around and around. "Chakotay, let me down, you know my stomach can't even handle coffee, let alone what you're doing to it."  
  
Chakotay laughed, putting her down on her feet again, only to draw her into a bearhug. "I love you, Kathryn. I love you so much."  
  
"I love you too, Chakotay," she whispered, relaxing into his embrace.  
  
The End. 


End file.
